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Window Shopping In The Marketplace Of (Conservative) Ideas. (morningcall)

Happy Friday Afternoon, Fellow Seekers. While the rest of you are out enjoying
the unfairly fabulous weather, we've been sojourning amongst the movement
conservatives who've gathered at a suburban Harrisburg hotel for this
weekend's annual Pennsylvania Leadership Conference. If you've...

morningcall

What do yoll think of my poem.?

I never posted any of my material on here before. I've only ever rated others. So I hope this qualifies as a good poem. Tell me what you think and what I need to do to get better. Thanks.>_<

The sun always seems to set faster
As it comes to it's final hours.
Unexpected? Quick?
Shot like a live wire.
I wonder if I heard you moan...
If I held your blinded stare...
Or maybe if along the way
I gathered what you shared.
Put them into a straw basket
And saved them for special days
Waiting under the sun-bleached sand
Once our worlds went a little gray
But how the sun seems so calm
As it bends the final corner.
Forgiving? Peaceful?
Maybe just a little warmer.
Naivety suddenly killed me
I noticed things too late
So I don't have a basket
With the days that you gave
I never heard your last word
I didn't catch your last blink
But sometimes now I do notice, on the sand, on our beach
Your prints being taken with the rays in the sea.

Post more of your poetry if it is all this good. I like the way you weave the concept of sun throughout your poem (by the way, second line "its" not "it is") and think your imagery would be more emphatic if you cut out unnecessary images and clarify others. For example, your first four lines hit hard towards imagery that is to come. But is "always" necessary? I think it detracts. You may question "seems to," I think it adds.

I write poetry at night and rewrite it during the day. Some techniques I use that you might try:

1) I cut out the important nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, then carefully consider what peripheral words I need to put back to retain intent or meter.

2) I write out logically in sentence form what I am actually trying to say. Some poets consider this blasphemy to question their "Muse." But if your friend the Muse says "I'll meet you at that place later where we hang out," wouldn't you want more details? You do not have to include the details and background in your poetry, but you should be aware of your underlying intent, like an actor creating a back story for a character that has three lines.

3) I examine vague words carefully, like "what" or "things" or "them" and "you" and try to clarify what I mean by them (sorry, this is my idea of humor).

4) I consider the visual impact of how the lines play across a page and the punctuation used. Why would one line sprawl into a paragraph when all the other ones are short? Ask Ogden Nash. Why no capitals? Ask e.e. cummings. Why a back and forth spatter of lines? Ask Gary Snyder. Your poem, I would separate into stanzas.

I hope these suggestions are helpful. I should give examples using your own words, but I'm sure I have already written enough.

5) Knowing when to stop.